The Bitter-Sweet Experiences of Rejections—in an Arranged Marriage

Arranged marriages are very common in India, representing a significant cultural practice. With updates matrimonial sites becoming increasingly popular in India, the practice of finding brides/grooms has caught pace. These sites offer a modern approach to finding a partner, blending traditional values with technology. Also, it allows one to showcase their profiles to a wider audience, increasing the chances of finding a compatible match.

Just like any employment process, a boy or a girl has to go through severe rounds of questioning for finding their potential partners: Are you working in a private or a government firm? What do you do? What is your salary? Do younow how to cook? Do you own a flat? Do you believe in the joint family system? Do you wear sarees at home or shorts? How much does your dad earn? What properties do you own in the village? Will you work after marriage? And so, on and on and on.

We face rejection in life on a daily basis, and it’s understandable as long as it’s logical. But there is a concept of arranged marriages, over which many have cracked their brains. But I still can’t figure out the complete process of an arranged marriage.

Those who have had an arranged marriage or Bride to be will understand the kind of pain the entire process is. Imagine your qualities being picked apart and scrutinised bit by bit. Imagine facing rejection from absolute strangers for bizarre reasons. There is such demeaning, ego-shattering, disrespectful things that happen in an arranged set-up that we can’t help but rethink about the era we live in! Talking about the rejections, the reasons why people get rejected by families or by the bride/groom, one cannot find logic in it, but let me tell you, some of them are so weird.

1. My parents got the reference of a boy from a distant relative. Fortunately, Kundali’s were matched, and the boy’s family visited our house. Everything went well. A week later, when my father didn’t receive any response from them, he called the relative to know their response. The relative told my father they had said “NO”. The reason being we had served them mango juice instead of hot tea. By the way, what were we supposed to serve someone who visits our house at 3 pm in the scorching, boiling summer heat!
2. My friend got rejected because she had a bob cut. She was told, “You look like a boy.”
3. My cousin got rejected because the boy discovered that she wore contact lenses and not spectacles.
4. The boy’s family said, “The girl could not speak fluent English,” and rejected my friend.
5. My friend was a single daughter. Her dad is a retired teacher and her mom is a homemaker.  She had met a number of families with their sons in the past 10 years. But once she puts forward a condition that after the wedding, she will give half of her salary to her parents, the proposal gets rejected, calling her too modern, too feminist, and too bold. Even her parents were called ‘too selfish,’ ‘too money-minded,’ and ‘too interfering.’
6. I got rejected by an MBA guy as he found my eyebrows very light and thin and not too thick and sharp. In fact, he told our marriage broker that due to thin eyebrows, there was no glow on my face. 
7. Received an interest from a guy on a matrimony site. Only son. Father worked in the railways and mother was a school teacher. The first question the guy’s mother asked my mom was whether we have any loans in our name. Indirectly she wanted to know if we had any loans/debts. She asked me about my academic background. Once she knew that my salary was more than her son’s earnings, she couldn’t handle it. I was rejected for being overqualified.
8. A guy’s mother rejected me on the spot at my residence itself as I had dimples and a long forehead. Her weird reason being, her pundit Pandeyji had warned her that girls with such traits will ruin her son’s life. 
9. My cousin brother got rejected by the girl’s family as they found his dislike for flashy watches, cars, and designer clothes as a reflection of his “immature” personality.
10. My uncle came up with a marriage proposal for a guy who was working in a private firm. The groom and his family came to my house. The guy didn’t talk. He simply sat on a chair and stared at me, especially when I was standing. I didn’t like his attitude, but I thought maybe it was our first meeting; that’s why he was silent. After their visit, there was no response from their end. My uncle later informed me that the guy had rejected me because I was taller than him. I mean, seriously! That was the reason for his gazing at me with his measuring tape eyes.
11. While my best friend was the perfect match for the bride, the latter’s family, hailing from Chennai, had concerns about him working in Chhattisgarh. This means the city you work in does not escape scrutiny either. 
12. A girl rejected my best friend as his Parle-G biscuit accidentally “drowned” in the teacup when he was having tea at her house with his family. The girl’s verdict was, if the guy cannot balance a biscuit, how can he balance me in life?
13. A guy’s mother rejected me because I decided to stay with her son in Saudi after marriage and not with her in Mumbai. She tried to convince me to stay with her in Mumbai after marriage, stating that we both can have a wonderful time here. “Why disturb my overloaded banker son in Saudi Arabia?” I am still in shock and disbelief, trying to figure out what she exactly meant!
14. I have been rejected a number of times as I have a space between my 2 front teeth.
15. The funniest reason a girl rejected my friend was that he was a Salman Khan fan. The girl blasted him, stating he had no taste in movies and did not know how to judge an actor.

I have encountered a number of guys who have expressed interest in me and then rejected me. At times, you wonder where you went wrong that you didn’t even get another fair chance, especially when you get rejected for all the lame reasons. It is sheer disappointment. After all, one has to go through the same process again of finding and meeting boys/girls, which is really frustrating. Basically, it’s very hurtful, and it lowers your self-esteem. It hurts your family too, especially your parents, who are under more stress.

I personally believe, if you don’t like the boy/girl, be truthful, as it is you who have to spend your entire life with him/her. It is better to say “NO’ now than to delay and make matters worse. I feel rejecting someone is better than agreeing for the wrong reasons or under pressure. But the reason for rejection should be fair, genuine, and not weird. If you do not want to proceed with a boy or a girl, it is better to say “NO” at the initial stage itself to avoid wasting the time & efforts of 2 people & families involved. Do not let the boy/girl feel that there are some flaws in her/him. 

I believe in the concept of arranged marriages. I believe in two people imagining a life together in a respectful and loving manner. One must remember that there are a lot of people who go through the same process in an arranged marriage. One must get over it and move forward to better things in life.

“After all, not all meetings are successful. After several “NO’S”, comes a “YES”,